Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Mitt Romney's Satanic Voter Problem

Who will Satan's followers vote for in September? If you are a Republican, chance are you expect Barack Obama to sweep the Satanist vote.

If you are Mitt Romney, you have a problem on your hands. You need those Satan votes in November. And you can get them only if you keep a very dark secret, and I don't mean about your tax returns.

By happenstance a friend of mine has been thinking of converting to Mormonism, or more specifically to the the largest of the Mormon sects, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, headquartered in Utah.
Reporting on her occasional doubts about converting, she said she was told, by a group of young Mormon priests, that anyone who discouraged her conversion was "speaking for Satan."

Um, let's see, who would be likely to discourage a friend or family member, or even just someone reading their blog, from joining the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints?

Certainly Roman Catholics would. Baptists would. Methodists would. I am pretty sure no Protestant Christian sect would encourage anyone to convert to Mormonism. Neither would Jews, Hindus, Moslems, or even atheists. I suppose agnostics, if you asked them if you should convert, would say "I don't know." I keep hoping agnostics will revive the American Party, more commonly known as the Know-Nothing Party.

I have nothing personal against any branch of the Mormons. The people I know who seem to dislike the Latter Day Saints the most are—former Mormons. Most people don't know much about Mormonism except that the Church was founded by an American, Joseph Smith, was run out of practically every state in the Union. After he died most of his followers settled in Utah, and used to be polygamists, although they mostly dropped that back in the late 1800's. We know more about the tiny polygamist sects because we've seen Big Love on TV.

So, with a Mormon looking like a potential President, with control of the world's largest army, economy, drone fleet and nuclear weapons, like most political bloggers I have been learning more about Mormon beliefs of late. At the same time the Church itself and cooperative corporate media outlets have been trying to paint a pretty picture of the self-styled Saints.

What kind of people would become followers of Joseph Smith, who claimed to be The Prophet and headed towards being God? Joseph Smith was killed by a mob, consisting largely of former followers, who were angry because he had been raping virgins and marrying other men's wives, running down Jesus as a second-rate demigod, and uttering nonsense that was supposed to be new Sacred Scripture.

Smith's religion was not a variation within Christianity, but an unorthodox form of Islam [See Four Pillars of Mormonism and Islam].

On the plus side, most seriously religious people believe that anyone who does not share their faith is a heretic, satanist, or atheist. Mormonism has no monopoly there. For the record, while I believe in religious toleration [See my Tolerance Statement], I don't think much of any religious sect.

I doubt Mitt Romney, who after all is really French, thinks that all the non-Mormons he works with are Satanists. That mode of operation might help pressure a weak, single woman into converting, but it is detrimental to the larger picture of trying to bring every single person in the world into the Church of Latter Day Saints. By now most people know that even converting every living person is not enough for the Mormons. They have a constant ritual going that baptizes dead people into the Church. Dead people can't say No. They can't hear Satan whispering doubts.

Mitt must win over voters that don't worship the One True Prophet Joseph Smith. He must keep hidden the fact that that his Church believes all those voters are Satanists. If he were as smart as he pretends to be, he would have left the Mormons years ago and joined a larger denomination. What attracts him to Joseph Smith? The bank scandal with Smith at its center? The ability to convince people to believe in nonsense, like the Republican Party Platform?

Right-wing nutcases have engaged in a long-running smear campaign against President Obama, claiming he was not born in the U.S. and, despite his long attendance at Christian Churches, claiming he is really a Muslim.

It is only right that the American people should understand what Mitt Romney's honest religious beliefs are. If we get nothing else from the Romney run, hopefully we will get a wider understanding of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.

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