[Antioch, Ohio] The Congregation of Christian Fundamentalists, a global organization whose membership includes many Christian sects that believe that the Bible should be interpreted as literally true on a word-by-word basis, today recommended that Christian families imitate God by having only one child per family, a son.
"We take the literal word of the Bible literally," said Reverend Thudpucker, spokesman for the Congregation. "We do expect a degree of controversy because few Christian Churches have been literalists on this point. It will be up to each individual denomination to ratify this finding."
"God had only one Son, our Lord Jesus Christ. Jesus said to follow him, and he clearly put an emphasis on ministry, not on family life or procreation. God had no female children. However, he did need the Mary, Jesus's mother, to participate biologically in the creation of Jesus, who thereby was both Man and God and a fit sacrifice to redeem the sins of Mankind. Women have a role in creating the one son per Christian family that we are recommending."
Thudpucker refused to comment on the current controversy about Pope Benedict XVI. "The Catholic Church is none of our business. The Pope and his predecessors just bend and shape the words of the Bible like it's wax, and they have ended up worshipping an Idol of their own making."
Asked about the Biblical admonition to "Go forth and multiply," Thudpucker said: "It says to go forth and muliply until the earth is filled. Which it pretty much is. The example of Christ our Lord was to have no children at all. But Christ is God, so he really did have a Son, himself. So Jesus Christ had one son. It is all there in black in white in English in the Bible. You reporters should try studying that."