Al-Qaeda in Hurlo-Thrumbo Says Chemical Attacks Ready

An internal memorandum of Al-Qaeda in Hurlo-Thrumbo claims that the ingredients are in place for a massive chemical attack on the United States of America.

Apparently kilograms of mercury, a toxic metal, have been manufactured into easily dispersible devices and spread throughout the nation. Mercury is poisonous when absorbed into the body, and it is absorbed from the air through the lungs when it is in the form of vapor. It can also be ingested with food and, when part of a soluble compound, absorbed through the skin. Safety standards for mercury vary according to the type of exposure. One comprehensible mercury standard from Australia is that drinking water should contain no more than one-thousandth of a milligram (one millionth of a gram) of mercury per liter (about a quart).

The Al-Qaeda in Hurlo-Thrumbo manufactured devices each contain 4 milligrams of mercury, enough to give an American citizen 4000 times the maximum safe daily dose. It is important to be able to recognize the symptoms of mercury poisoning. And not millions, but billions of the devices have already been smuggled into the United States of America.

The American military refers to the devices as CFLs. "As weapons CFL's have some drawbacks," said Deep Moat, our Pentagon source. "You have to break the CFLs open in order to release the cloud of mercury vapor. However, breaking them open does not even require an IED. The can be broken by dropping them, or by any of a number of mechanical means."

How were so many CFLs brought into the United States and placed in shopping malls, warehouses, even in homes and government office buildings?

"They sold them to the American public as replacements for the old-fashioned light bulb. When the American consumer failed to respond, they got a certain formerly high-ranking U.S. official to threaten Congress with a global disaster unless incandescent light bulbs were made illegal. Not understanding that this was an Al-Qaeda in Hurlo-Thrumbo plot, Congress went along. Of course there were the usual campaign contributions involved." We are quoting Deep Goat, whose agency does not want to be identified.

If you have an CFL and it breaks, it is recommended that you immediately evacuate the area and call in a toxic disposal crew.

"Sure, one CRL in a home or office just creates a hazard to a few people and can be cleaned up. What Al-Qaeda in Hurlo-Thrumbo seems to be indicating is that they have a plan to break millions of them simultaneously," Deep Goat continued. "Al-Qaeda is noted for this sort of spectacular tactic. They could target a number of big box stores, or a truck stuffed with CFLs moving through a city. There is no reasonable way to stop them, since the commerce clause prevents us from interfering with any commerce that Congress has ordained."

The best thing private citizens can do for their own safety is to refuse to buy the CFLs and stay away from stores that contain concentrations of CFLs. If you do have CFLs in your house or office, you should either contract in advance for toxic spill cleanup services or be prepared to follow the EPA guidelines for CFL breakage cleanup.

Also, here is a handy list of other common poisonous substances found in commerce: 64 Hazardous Substances - Mercury section