Capitalists Announce Five Year Plan

The new capitalist five year plan for the economy of the United States of America (including its empire of affiliated nations) was announced August 26, 2009, in a secret underground bunker in Manhattan. The plan covers the years 2010 through 2014.

The usual report on the prior five year plan was handed out in advance. Although there were some minor glitches in 2008 and 2009, the plan was deemed to be highly successful. The political baton was successfully handed off between the two parties without any real change in policy. Large numbers of workers were impoverished, which will ensure their loyalty and hard work during the coming years, if they are rehired. Almost all value was squeezed out of the economy and into a much smaller number of individual capitalists and banking institutions than had been necessary in the past. The heroin supply from Afghanistan was assured, military spending increased, and China and India got in lockstep with the plan for global development.

The key components of the new five year plan can be summarized as: maintain a stable trajectory. Military spending is to grow, but not so much as to jeopardize other segments of the economy. Unemployment is to recover, as its primary purpose of indebting large numbers of people and insuring their future loyalty has been largely accomplished. Stock market and housing price booms are designed in towards the end of the plan, to be facilitated by easy credit from the Federal Reserve. New regulations are planned to minimize competition, and new loopholes have already been worked into them that can be used to advantage only by the largest corporations.

The health care system in the United States is to remain mainly as it is, with only the most minor of reforms. Sick people are an economic liability once their wallets have been drained, but using tax dollars extracted from workers, high prices for drugs, insurance, and doctor services will be maintained.

The view on global warming has changed since the last five year plan. Super profits will be made by reluctantly accepting government and private dollars for "clean energy" projects. Meanwhile, heavy equipment manufacturing plans will be laid for the vast system of dikes that will be needed to protect sea coasts from flooding.

"Above all," said Michael Milkem, this year's chairperson, "we must remember to not try to micromanage the situation. Our strength is in sticking to fundamentals. Don't sweat the small stuff. Control the politicians, interest rates, and bank lending policies and the small stuff will take care of itself."